TFLD3: Mentors

With or without one, we are flecks in the wind. But they help.

Welcome to The FLD Three, a monthly shortlist with one loose theme. Like this format? Catch up here. —FLD

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When I was twenty-five, I went no contact with my father whom, at that point I spoke to once or twice a year. He led with full-throttle narcissism, only a scrap of love trailing behind him. He deemed my routine acts of young adulthood loser-ish, like taking the low-earning job for experience, or dating the low-earning guy, for experience. I didn’t need that in my fledgling life. I still don’t. But I will admit that sometimes, even if the words were curt and hurtful, it was nice to be given parameters, to be told “that’s good” or “that’s bad” and forced to examine which side I was on.

My mother has always led with full-bodied, amorphous love. Anything goes so long as it brings joy. The result: I was free to build life’s pillars from the ground up—what to believe, who to love, how to live. This is a gift and a privilege. But it can also be a burden because the “you do you” approach falls short the moment you don’t know what “doing you” means, which, for most of us, lasts quite a stretch.

And that’s where mentors come in.

Without them, we are flecks in the wind. With them, we are flecks in the wind but with hope. Here are the three:

THE ASPIRATIONAL MENTOR

The aspirational mentor does not know they’re your mentor, or who you are. They are a celebrity, thought leader, or friend’s older sister living abroad in Portugal who exemplifies success and well-being, however you define either. If they put anything into the world—books, albums, podcasts, etc.—you consume it immediately and in awe of their talent. You want to be this person, respectfully. Some might call this a “role model,” but that’s too tied up in ethics for me to call right.

The other day in a fit of controlled despair, I emailed my aspirational mentor. She’s a writer, so I wanted the message to be sharp, something for her to read on the subway and think, “Haha. She’s good.” I could’ve spent hours (DAYS) working on it, but I decided to Just Send It™ (name for a millennial-founded coaching biz?). I wasn’t sure she’d reply. She calls herself “bad at email,” and even those who owe emails don’t get around to writing them. But two days later she wrote back, and I cried while reading her note aloud to my husband. I am not emotional but occasionally I’m dramatic.

In my email, I asked what I should do with my life. I really, really did that. I promise it oozed a tasteful amount of self-deprecation and desperation, aside from the part where I doubt she remembers me even though I interviewed her less than five years ago. She began with: “Of course I remember you, Fendi,” and that made me feel dumb because, duh. It would be concerning if she hadn’t, medically speaking. I’ve got to stop doing that.

Her response is now source code for me. And while she did not “unlock” anything, she lubricated my stuckness just enough. “To be skilled at writing and editing is still rare and precious,” she said. “I do not think you should hop off the boat.” She recommended The Artist’s Way, which despite being “disastrously corny,” has exercises that are “undeniably helpful.” So now the book sits on my dining table wrapped in Amazon packaging, waiting to be torn open.

THE LOVING MENTOR

The loving mentor wants the best for you. They are likely a parent, relative, or family friend. (Not all parents are mentors! Ideally they are but this is real life, come on now.) You know this person well, and while you may not admire them as much as the aspirational mentor or want to be them, respectfully, they are a lifeline.

This mentor gets the unfiltered version of you. They know the intimate details of your struggles and have metaphorically, or physically, picked you back up off the ground. They’ve most likely hurt your feelings because you get their unfiltered version too.

Your relationship with them is flawed. They may not always reply or have the time—they’re doing this out of love, okay?! But they will be there until The End to see if all turns out okay, and they will love you independent of the answer. This is the most precious form of mentor. If you have one, you are lucky. If you have more than one, how nice.

THE OBLIGATORY MENTOR

The obligatory mentor is assigned to you. They’re your manager or someone participating in the same program meant to facilitate personal and professional growth, or whatever. This is the most common, and tacky, form of mentorship because it is organized. But oh well, obligatory mentors can provide real value.

This is the mentor you have time with on the calendar to ask questions, gather feedback, and shoot the shit. Hopefully this person is cool because otherwise, what a bore. But no matter. Squeeze from them what you like. You may not have to squeeze at all. Giving advice, especially when solicited, is appealing to our human nature.

While this mentor starts out opposite the loving mentor, it’s possible that with time and enough mutual chemistry, you could recast them into that bracket. It’s rare, though, and I probably wouldn’t. Let us not forget our roots.

That’s the three! Until next time.