Hey there. Last weekend I went to Point Reyes for the “elk hike,” or Tomales Point Trail, which guaranteed an elk sighting, according to a friend. Although the Marin County weather disappointed (nippy, low viz), the elk did not. Please admire my Nat Geo quality photos below.
During the 90-minute drive up, Mo and I listened to episode #410 of the Lex Fridman Podcast: “Ben Shapiro vs Destiny Debate: Politics, Jan 6, Israel, Ukraine, and Wokeism.” Nice Saturday morning fodder. We paused the audio every few minutes to interject with our own lively discussion, but I don’t bring up this story to talk politics *shudders*. I bring it up to share the sentence that’s pervaded my mind for days and become the basis for a new running gag.
Destiny is a liberal. Shapiro is a conservative. Fridman kicks off the show by asking each guest to describe what key values underpin their philosophy on politics “and maybe life.” Each says their piece and all is well.
Then, Destiny explains that he used to be a libertarian. What dramatically changed his view on the government was watching his son go through the public school system. (A stretch of discovery for him as a former private school kid.) At the good schools in Nebraska, kids take home “iPads in the first grade,” he says, and generally have the resources that make learning accessible. Presumably, at less well-off schools, students do not have the same. Then he asks Shapiro: Do you think proper school funding would help more children become productive members of society?
Shapiro responds for a minute. He does not agree that, when it comes to education, the chief injustice lies in school funding. Actually, “availability of technology” is low on his list of priorities. The real driver of future success is a two-parent household.
So he circles back and says, “I quibble with the premise of the question.”
A moment of silence—or rapturous laughter if you’re me in the car.
“I quibble with the premise of the question” is comically verbose and politically avoidant, at first. But on closer inspection, it is a brilliant phrase applicable to any circumstance with a sparring partner, like in a meeting room with a client or unpacking groceries with your partner.
“Why is the deck incomplete?”
“I quibble with the premise of the question. Our agreed delivery date was 10/1. Today is 9/30, sir.”
“Ugh, did you forget the milk?”
“I quibble with the premise of the question. (Takes carton out of bag) Do not take me for a fool!”
Anyway, I hope you find many use cases for expressing mild disdain for the inflammatory questions in your life. Ben Shapiro, I don’t fancy your propensity for telling people how to live their lives—”Don’t fuck people before you’re married and have babies!” he yelled at one point—but I appreciate your naughty way with words.
🗣️ My first story for The San Francisco Standard is out. It’s about the Bay Area’s quirky dating scene, specifically what it’s like finding love as a “high performer.”
“Am I a high performer?” I asked myself while writing. Joyce, the dating coach, defined it as someone with “an ambitious outlook on life.” I think that’s too generous. To me, the hallmark of a high performer is a relentless drive to achieve measurable, challenging goals—like scaling a business or running a marathon, or even just getting good grades. That’s never really been me. (If you’re a prospective employer, LOOK AWAY.)
I was fine with a B in high school if it meant staying up late reading Yahoo Answers or texting with my crush. I remember tucking my SAT book under my pillow the night before the exam, hoping cosmic powers might step in after weeks of half-assed studying. Because high performance is tied to academic and professional success for the sad fact that society doesn’t reward being a great friend, relative, or person—unless you count “#1 Dad” mugs—no, I am not a high performer.
Merch for my brand would read: “Hope for the best and move it along.” High performers don’t hope, they do.
An interlude for humble-brag: “I’ve talked to a lot of reporters, and Fendi stood out for her thoughtful, personal questions and her ability to balance a catchy hook with capturing the tenderness and sincerity of the event.” — Joyce on LinkedIn
I am a Libra. Balance is what we do.
In this FLD: IVF vs. restorative reproductive medicine, TSwift is engaged, “shrekking,” and should long-term cohabitation warrant the same legal rights as marriage?
💌 Have a story or topic I should look into? Write to me at: fendiliudufner@gmail.com. You can also reply to this email if you’re reading from inbox. 💌
It’s a great week to swipe if you live in SF, LA, Austin, NYC. Burning Man is happening right now, which means “all the most annoying people in the world don’t have their phones,” said Tinx. (When they’re back, consider asking how they feel about the demise of the “Orgy Dome.”) The festival ends Monday.
Restorative reproductive medicine (RRM), once confined to the medical fringe, is now a major consideration in Trump’s pending IVF report. RRM believes in addressing the “root causes” of infertility through holistic practices like menstrual-cycle tracking, hormone screening, medication, supplements, and even surgery, before pursuing IVF as a last resort. If that sounds reasonable to you, it’s because that’s what basically everyone believes. “When people walk into my clinic, we don’t do IVF tomorrow. We try to figure out other things,” said a medical director at Northwestern Medicine. Those “other things” are RRM. The reason RRM is controversial is because it does not acknowledge that women can be infertile “just because,” and it has the potential to stretch women’s already sensitive reproductive timelines to the point of obsolescence.
Find someone who will do and marry them. Sounds like settling, but it’s not, according to British-born scholar and author Richard Reeves. He says that paradox of choice, or having excessive options, isn’t a bad thing. What’s tripping people up is the idea that their selection needs to be perfect: “The problem is when you’re optimizing rather than satisficing.” What really matters—more than how right two people are for one another, within margins—is how they behave in their relationship. He advises men to “stop looking for the perfect wife and become a better man.” This rings true for women too. I recommend reading the full interview.
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are engaged. I’m not a Swiftie, but I still felt the Earth shake when I saw the news. Also, she copied my ring.
This is the most interesting writeup I’ve read so far about the engagement. Candice Wuehle speculates on what it means for society and culture now that Swift, a model of resistance, has bought into marriage: “Celebrities don’t just live their own lives; they perform symbolic labor for the rest of us.” Even more fascinating is this video essay by Chelsea Fagen from The Financial Diet (damn, can this girl TALK) about the problematic “business of Taylor Swift,” and why only she can get away with it because she is “a specific type of white woman.” Banger after banger IMO, but if you’re a Swiftie, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Last thing: this is so good.
“Shrekking” is the new slang for dating someone less attractive than you in hopes of having the upper hand. “Hypergamy” (not slang, legit) is the opposite—dating up to boost your reputation.
OnlyFans is big money for hot college girls. One BU student has made more than $1M in her three-year tenure. (The median creator on the platform takes home $180/month.) Although the story’s premise is unsurprising (I do not quibble with it), what was news to me is the perceived growing acceptance of an unflattering digital trail. When asked if she cares that the Internet is forever, the 21-year-old said: a) she’s not after a 9-5 and b) even if she were, “people are becoming more understanding.”
Millennial parents are traveling with their children, partly to shape them into “adaptable, savvy people.” This reminds me of dating profiles that blast flag emojis or worse yet, include any mention of the term “global citizen.” I appreciate a vacation as much as my generational peer, but I have always rejected the notion that traveling, on its own, makes someone more knowledgeable, open-minded, or fundamentally better. (Flags to represent your nationality are better but still meh.)
AI can fix your relationship, or at least write you a breakup text. Arya is an “intimacy concierge” that curates “sexologist-crafted experiences.” Agapé brings partners closer through shared prompts. And AI4Chat has a long list of use cases. Among them: writing breakup texts and apologies for relationship misunderstandings. I had to try the last one. I typed in: “Loaded the dishwasher incorrectly.” It gave me a string of options, including: “I’m sorry for the misunderstanding about the dishwasher. You’re important to me, and I want us to get past this.”
Parents with children under 5 years old get 18 hours a week to themselves. And despite having so little free time, they report a willingness to sacrifice even more if it means helping their kids explore their interests and keeping them off screens.
How funny to announce you’re about to have sex for the first time. Does such a display invite strangers to follow up with, “How was it?”
One in five adults in the UK would not marry if cohabiting couples had the same legal rights as married ones. However, 58% said they would still choose to marry even if all was equal. That means a potential reform expands fairness more than it rejects marriage. Though, I think it would disincentivize marriage for sure. It’s interesting—Mo has a number of unmarried friends in Europe living together long-term and/or having children with their partner. I, on the other hand, have no friends doing this. In fact, most couples I know didn’t move in together until they were engaged. Are Americans uptight or are Europeans more confident in their commitment?
What are the noun and verb forms of X? “An X”? “to X”? Anyway, this X had me thinking. Intellectual compatibility exists, but I think it’s revealed less by reading the same number of books in a year than by how deep two people are willing to go into the same conversation pit.
My favorite reply:
Olandria and Nic from Love Island USA brought up race while speaking to the NYT about their relationship and experience on the show. “You don’t really see men yearning for women in this day and age,” said Olandria. “And then with him being a fair-skinned male and I’m a dark-skinned female… seeing me being loved out loud resonated with a lot of people in my community.”
On a personal note: I’ll be in Newport all next week basking in hot weather, free parking, and family time. I might pop into LA for a bougie workout class. I might roll into Irvine for my favorite Chinese comfort meal. I might even drink two Hillstone martinis and go drunk Christmas shopping in September. The possibilities are endless.
