The Danger of the Mediocre Man
We've all dated one. Are you dating one now? Are you him?
In this post, I introduce a new dating and relationship archetype: The Mediocre Man. When I first published this post in 2023, I was 30 years old and in a relationship. That man would soon become my fiancé, but I was not far removed from the frustrations of single-and-dating life. (This scene comes to mind.) Now in 2025, I am 32 years old and engaged. My thoughts on The Mediocre Man remain unchanged. In fact, over the past two years I’ve seen him prove himself on more than one occasion. By the way, I know that there are mediocre women too, but that’s not for me to write about. If you enjoy my writing, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. —FLD
Dating is a game. It is a strategy- and luck-driven attempt to succeed with limited knowledge and foresight. Each stage informs the next. It requires financial buy-in. Bad actors are plentiful, timing is critical, and there are infinite opportunities to start over unless you, the main character, are dead.
After years as player one, heterosexual women are competent at discerning which men to avoid: the womanizer, the love bomber, the deadbeat, the man-child, to name a few. Their tells are fairly obvious. But lesser known is a more subtle offender lurking in the game, equally as poisonous but harder to detect. He is: The Mediocre Man.
The word mediocre does not apply to his appearance or earning power. Attractive, wealthy men can be mediocre. Homely, poor men can be mediocre. Looks and money—though spectacular distractions—are shallow determinants of a man’s worth. The word mediocre applies to his integrity. Does he do as he says? Does he say as he does? Does he hold himself to a high standard with a tight, or loose, grip? With no integrity, a man is still in beta. He is not ready to be released to the public as a viable partner, and yet he always is.
The Mediocre Man does not mean harm. He often means well. This is an important distinction. Like a B- student, he is not completely uninterested in high achievement, but he has not yet learned how to self-discipline in order to reach his goals. His strides are short, stalled, or counterproductive. He may cheat or lie. He does not drop the ball into freefall; he dribbles it in ways that do not amount to greatness. Eventually this harms the people closest to him.
Dating The Mediocre Man, you might find yourself bemoaning to others “Boys will be boys!” which is most often said to gloss over troubling behavior. When they are young and rolling around in a bale of hay covered in mud: “Boys will be boys!” When they are older and throwing fists in bars: “Boys will be boys!” When they are even older and caught forging documents or seducing a mistress: “Boys will be boys!”
Have you heard of the cheerleader effect? It’s when a woman is perceived to be more attractive in a group of women than when she is by herself. A similar cognitive bias is present when a man is perceived to possess higher decency when compared to his degenerative male peers. All mediocre men have a friend or several friends whom most women find intolerable. “At least he’s not Eddie,” you think, grateful to cling onto what is good by comparison.
Remember, The Mediocre Man is not all bad! He could be funny and good with kids, a killer gift-giver, sociable, and athletic. That he is well camouflaged by positive qualities makes him particularly dangerous. He slips in easy. Ask me how I know.
In the words of my mother: “I have always encouraged dating a lot not in a hoe way but so u experience diff people and dynamics so u ultimately will know what works for u.” Suffice it to say I have a “cool mom”, and I did as she said.
What I have learned is:
Society is quick to vilify The Mediocre Man. I say, let’s not glamorize their deficiencies. He does not gain power or conquer land or become immortal. A villain is good at being bad! A dishonest man is the world’s most common ruse. If caught, he is bad at being bad. If not caught, he is bad at being good. The Mediocre Man is nothing to write home about.
If you’re lucky, only mediocre men will hurt you. If you’re luckiest, only one Mediocre Man will hurt you, and when he does: it is not a loss, but a lesson. Experiencing at least one mediocre man, feels necessary for healthy learning and development. If one never knows mediocrity, it’s harder to fully appreciate excellence.
Once you experience mediocrity and know how to identify it, the less likely you are to choose it again. The learning curve can, and usually does, take years, however.
I recently heard a binary metric for women to determine whether their partner is up to snuff. It is the answer to the question, “Would you be happy if he was your son?” as in, would you be happy if your future son turned out exactly like your partner? It’s Freudian I know, but what is all of psychology if not a reluctant and sexualized tie-back to parenting? If your answer is yes, rejoice! If your answer is no, go find a better lover-kin-hybrid. If and when you encounter The Mediocre Man, I recommend a polite dismissal or a gracious exit. Like a house spider in the corner of a room, he does not mean unrest, but it’s better if he isn’t around.
The Mediocre Man is a principle I feel strongly about. I’m convinced every woman has dated one. Drop a comment to discuss it further, or share your story, if you’d like.